“It’s out there somewhere, just north of Rt. 20, between Abilene and Fort Worth”
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| Donn Hayden |
She had waited 62 years for this
very day and dressed with great care.
Her hair, although a bit grey, was soft as silk and the curls splayed
out across her back bringing to one’s mind the thought of pure silver or platinum,
although she had never thought that.
Even though she was in her 60’s, she had never worn makeup. Her finger nails had never been painted,
however looking closely; you would have said that they had just been manicured.
She paced back and forth, pausing at one open window and
then the other. Looking out on familiar
scenes she had watched all her life. “Whatever
can I say?” She asked herself audibly. Over the years, she had thought of the
feelings she would express, the questions that she could finally ask. She already knew some of the answers. She had learned them from countless trips to
the windows, understanding the big important ones forty years ago, when she was
nearing twenty. Thinking back those forty plus years there were other questions
she had often asked herself…
“What is it like
to do this or that?” or “How would that make me feel?” and questions such as
these. The answers to many of those
questions, unlike the ones she already knew, had never been answered.
In the next room, there was
another woman, 79 years old. She paced
back and forth between two windows in her room as well… one opened and one
still veiled. Even though she was older,
she looked out the open window as if she was a bright-eyed child seeing for the
first time. Her hair was the same shade
of silver and platinum, but not as smooth.
She wore a dark business suit and her nails were also well groomed, but
painted a claret red color. As she
paused nervously at the veiled window and while she reached to draw back the
thin curtain, she noticed her nails and a vivid memory of when she was 17 raced
back into her mind. She somehow knew
that if she looked up and out that window she would see a projected image of
herself, as a slim young dancer in a club that she had long ago forgotten even
the name of. It was in Texas she
remembered, but many years ago, and even the name of the city, Necessity,
somewhere out there between Abilene and Fort Worth, had long ago slipped from
her mind. But then she recalled the name
of the city.
The memories had somehow been
suppressed all through her adult life, and her three children had never even
heard the story of her short time in Texas after she ran away from her abusive
father and drunken mother in California. Her children all knew however that her father
had served five years in the penitentiary and that their grandmother had got
sober and put their mom through college.
“It’s OK to look said a woman as
she approached the older lady touching her shoulder, everybody sees something
out there.” The woman continued talking,
as she began tidying up the room a bit, most likely getting it ready for the
next visitor. At that point, the old
woman looked away from the window and noticed that the one who spoke to her was
dressed as a maid in a black and white uniform.
“Go on now, go and take a look, it’s not as bad as you think and it’s
very important to someone else who’s here.”
Back in the other room, the
younger woman stood at her window looking out at the perfectly cut green grass
encompassed by white walls with windows that all had warm colored lights on
inside. In several you could see a
figure standing and looking out of their window just like she was, but there
were no doors that opened onto the green.
Most of the figures had their hands on the window sill as they looked,
many were pointing to the empty center of the Green, but a few had their arms
folded across their chests and for some reason, she had always felt so sorry
for that group.
As she stood there as she had hundreds
of times before, to no avail year after year, the vision that had always eluded
her finally began to appear, just as everything else in the room started to
fade. Soon the window sill her hands
rested on and the entire window and wall were gone and without moving, she arose
and was standing on dew touched grass in her bare feet. Walking towards the vision, she could see
that it was a young teenaged girl and a boy just a few years older. They were on a picnic, talking happily of the
things that lovers chat about and enjoying a summer’s breeze. She had never even experienced a breeze like
that or seen a young man like this before and she got so close that she could
have even touched him, but she didn’t. Somehow,
she knew that her hand would not pass through him like we see happen in the
movies, but also was aware that she was not permitted to touch him.
In the older lady’s room, the
same thing was happening, only her vision was of a smoked filled club and she
began to feel the driveway gravel through the soles of her high heeled shoes as
she entered the club slowly and walked up to the same girl enticingly dancing
in front of the young man. She knew as
well that it was against the rules to touch and immediately remembered that there
was sign back at the club in Necessity that said the men could look but not
touch the girls.
There was another
sign, she recalled, that said “ALL
PERFORMERS ARE OVER 18” and she remembered that no one had even asked her
age when she walked in looking for a job when it was still two months until her
17th birthday. Focusing
her mind on the vision again, she noticed that the dancer and the young man
were staring lovingly into each other’s eyes.
The two women were intently
watching the young people in their respective visions while they happened to
notice each other from the corner of their eyes, at the same time…
“I’ve waited all my life…” the
younger woman began as she turned toward the elder and spoke first, looking
deeply into the older lady’s eyes.
“I know dear, I am so, so
sorry…” The older woman interrupted.
“I already know what
happened and why.” The younger woman said as she reached and touched her mother
for the very first time. “I always
believed that you must have looked pretty much like me as I watched myself growing
up, in the mirror.” She added. “Seeing you and him on the picnic proves that
I was right about what you looked like.
But I’ve always wondered what my father would have been like.”
“But we never went on a
picnic dear;” the older woman said as she embraced her daughter,
“he shipped out the
following day and I never saw him again.”
“That’s OK mom, so now you’ve
seen him twice and I’ve seen him once,” returning the embrace. “I’ve got connections up here and we can go
see him again someday if we want, assuming that he’s already here that is. I’m sure you’ll want to forgive him for
leaving you pregnant and all that. But
we’ve got a lot of catching up to do… a whole lot of catching up.”
“We can get to all that falling
in love with boys’ stuff later mom, but there’s one thing I have always wanted
to know. Well for more than 50 years
anyway after hearing of such things.”
“What is that my dear?” The
mother asked, still holding tightly onto her daughter with her chin resting on
her shoulder, preparing to look into her child’s eyes for the dreaded question
she had herself waited more than 60 years to hear. “You can ask me anything you like and I will
tell you the truth.”
The tearful daughter gritted her
perfect teeth, backed away, still holding onto both of her mom’s soft
hands. She looked deeply into her
mother’s blue eyes, also full of tears, and collected her thoughts carefully
and childishly asked…
