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| Priya Priyadarshni |
A poem of random thoughts 1
Sylvia Plath was sick and depressed but I think she wouldn't have killed herself if she hadn't fallen in love.
More often than not I find myself in the lives and writings of Dickinson, Plath, Woolf, and Beauvoir but I've come to a violent realization that I'm none of them. I'm not even my mother.
I'm someone I don't recognize.
Love has the color of blood. Until I fell in love with you I never wore red lipstick.
There's a man who has been all over me and this man is even there on the insides, I'm afraid he has painted me in his own color.
Love I believe is violence. You are killing me and I crave fresh wounds every day.
I didn't believe in magic until you touched me. Now all I ever look for is a way to break this spell.
We come straight out of a British novel, you make love to me and call it lust. I believe you.
You are reading the poems you have written for all the women you love. I'm listening to it while laying naked on you.
My mother wants to know if I'm in love. How do I tell her that there's a box of darkness inside me that I keep hidden from everyone else? But from time to time it keeps coming out on the surface. And I'm scared of it. I'm scared of myself. Because of this darkness, I know I can't be loved. I think someone has found the box.
My desire to listen to your morning voice just after you woke up, my desire to be near you as soon as I wake up, and my mind always playing with me so I can see you in my dreams almost every day is insanity.
I've medicine for almost everything and yet nothing seems to get better.
At the arrival of a new pain I find myself at the altar of God again... praying for death. And as always god doesn't listen. He says it's not enough. You shall suffer more.
I want to be the person everyone thinks I am.
You see you cannot tell him, why your heart aches all the time. You cannot express all the love you have for him. And you cannot be what he wants.
Loving you is so easy. I do it without even thinking. It is just my feelings are way too strong which makes it difficult for me to breathe.
I wish there was a way to explain, Ifs and buts, how and why, should haves and why nots, but there's no answer to all these questions. All I know is it happened because it was meant to be and I won't have it any other way. I'm so glad that this happened.
I remember the first time I was with you lying in bed while holding each other. I asked you why it feels like home.
As long as I was with you I didn't feel that I needed to be fixed. I didn't feel broken. I felt complete. And everything starts to make sense, But I'm afraid I'll never feel this way ever again.
I think I'm winning because I allowed myself to feel. For the first time in my life, I did something for myself without any guilt. I'm glad I did it no matter how painful it is. I'm just happy to know that I'm alive. I've everything I wanted from this life. I just wanted somebody to die for and now I have one.
I don't like myself these days. I don't like the way I behave. I'm being a nuisance to myself and to others. I'm tired of listening to my own sobs. I'm tired of the pain I feel in my chest because I'm grasping for air after I've made myself breathless from crying. My lungs start to burn. My throat is coarse. I'm unable to eat or sleep. My entire body hurts. But more than anything else there's this hole in my heart that just won't let me live peacefully even for a second.
And I've to do just two things in life. Live and love you. And to me, both of them mean the same thing. As long as I live I'll love you and as long as I love you I'll live. Because if I die then who's gonna love you like this.
All my life I knew
What I didn't want to be
I thought this was the only way
Of knowing what I wanted.
I hope there are people like me who can only fall asleep after sunrise just to know that they've survived the night.
I'm in a war against myself
Been trying to kill this feeling
But I'm afraid
This feeling has been
killing me slowly.
There hasn't passed a moment when I haven't thought of you. You've been plaguing my mind like nothing else in this world really matters now. Time has not been moving since I saw you the last time.
I shall keep writing you letters that I'll never send. There are things I wanna say to you but I'll just let you live.
No one has ever hurt me as much as you but then I never gave anyone as much right I gave to you.
I learned it at a very young age of 12. How to save myself. Because no one came to save me and since then I always believed no one else can.
When you love someone you can see through them.
My problem is that I don't let people love me. Why, I don't know? Do I think I'm unloveable? Do I think I don't deserve love? No, I think I should be kept on a pedestal and worshipped. I know I need too much love and it's not possible for any normal human to do it. It's not that I don't let anyone come close because I want to. It's just that the closeness I want is perhaps too close.
Those I choose to love. I love them with everything I have and I love it all. Light and dark both. Although light is easy to love, darkness attracts me more.
I think I'm a museum of broken things but at the same time, I think I'm magic because all the broken things are art pieces.
You said you were afraid to touch me, you thought I might shatter.
Even the silence of my room is familiar with the sound of your name.
Your thought comes to my mind even before I open my eyes.
If it's nothing then why does it hurt so bad.
We should learn to put a pause to our feelings.
A poem of random thoughts 2
I no longer know how to write a poem
Everything I write is just another failed
attempt to write what I feel
And words are never enough
I don't have enough colors
To paint all the seasons
That shift in my bones
Is there any other way
To say I love you more than
My desire to die
The war is over
I'm the winner and the loser
I won and I lost everything I had
I killed what I wanted to save
Love might be our desire to die
I like resting my head on your chest
Both of us are burning
But we were burning in different fires
Most of the life is lost in
Longings of all kinds
I'm as lost as a Siberian bird
In the summer
I've a newfound love for
The Himalayan mountains
I feel alien on this planet
I'm not terrestrial
My lover and I are the same
Both of us couldn't love me
I'm the throbbing pain
At the end of my spine
I cannot run away from myself
There's nothing I can't find or do
With you. I want to have it all
It's so scary to love you like
My life depends on it.
I need a moment of silence
All the voices in my head
are driving me crazy
When I'll wake up tomorrow
You won't be here
I believe that it was destiny
That brought us together
I had all this love that had no place to go
And you were in dire need of it
I'm feeling thirsty while
I'm drowning
I choose to be a poet in sickness and in health
We were so beautiful together
That the stars got jealous
If pain is all I'm fit for
Then let it hurt
I hope that the storm outside will
calm the storm inside
This storm is trying to find peace
The beauty of finding yourself
in disaster. I had my fist clenched
So tightly around life because I knew
I was losing it. I hope art will save me
And even if it can't I hope
I'm dying poetically.
Wasn't it enough suffering?
All the years I lived without you.
Too hot, too cold, too far, too close, too happy, too sad, too much love, not enough, this list can go on and on.
Listen burn this list. We are here,
Put on this planet to feel that is why
We are humans.
Live, love, and go crazy
Perhaps the answer lies in the living
Sleep has become a
language I no longer understand
In the suffering of the self
Lies our humanness
Do you know why you are so broken?
So I can pour my love into you
I'm the snake I keep dreaming about
When I was young I used to be afraid of the dark,
now the darkness is afraid of me.
Therapy cannot help me,
I need exorcism.
And apparently there's no
Correct way to live
My mind is a terrible place I don't wanna be here
I loved you and you killed me, we are even now.
I lie dead for 10 days on the 11th day I wake up to love you again
I'm never not thinking of you
Like always I take the bleeding inward
Like always I let it kill me
I die a little every day and still
Try to live every day. This is what I do
I've always been adult with my pain.
Somedays I sit with it because it won't let go of my body
Somedays I abandon myself and go on living like it's not my pain
How can I be angry with anyone else
When I abandon myself so easily so often
like it's nothing. This body is nothing.
This body is my graveyard.
I bury myself in my ribcage.
I no longer desire anything.
He never made false promises
He was always honest brutally.
I took a road that led me to you and it ended there.
I'll stay on that road forever even if that means
never reaching anywhere again.
You are my home and I shall be there
As long as I live and after death.
A poem of random thoughts 3
My favorite movie is "The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse."
Today I wrote a one-word poem,
It was your name.
You cannot lose something that was never yours.
My sister says you cannot rot forever
I've been doing this all my life I'm sure I can do it for the rest of it.
My family tells me that I'm hard to deal with and almost impossible to handle
I say wild things should either be killed or set free.
You carry your summer to your winter because burning is all you know.
I've been passionate about everything that has ever caught my attention.
Even death, it has never left my mind.
Winter is knocking on my doorstep
This deadening silence echoes in my bones
I'm hoping everything will freeze
Except my love for you
Because in time
We are constantly changing
You are no longer you
And I'm no longer me
I only take passionate lovers.
I never understood love
It was always a matter of being
Whatever was needed of you
And if he wanted light
I would have put myself on fire.
Every fucking thought leads me to you.
How do you live without me?
Teach me to live without you.
They say hardships make you wiser.
I don't want to be great,
I want to be happy.
The only peace I find these days is in knowing that everything comes to an end.
You, and with you everything you couldn't bear.
I don't want to be me.
Why can't I be someone else?
The demon possessing my body says
"I've come home to you"
I wanted to know what God wanted from me.
Just agony beyond my mere existence.
Or was I being punished?
What had I done to offend God?
I don't want to say the truth and I cannot lie.
So I remain silent.
Someday I'll be happy again.
No one can be sad all their lives
Can they?
I knew it was too late
And I cannot go back
It was not possible to go back
Someone, please save me
I'm lost and scared.
What does it feel like to be in love?
It feels like someone is stabbing you in your chest multiple times and you are letting them do it.
1st thing on my to-do list every day is to survive
I want a gentle life but it's not for me.
What should I do with my madness?
There is no place for me
This ache of what could have been and what I lost will never subdue
I feel all I've done in this life is waste my time
Nothing makes sense anymore
Nothing keeps me happy
Why is this meaninglessness?
When I gave me to you
It was not in exchange for anything
Now you can't give me back to me
It's yours
I'm yours
Now what you want to do with me and my love is up to you
Keep it or throw it away
But I can't take it Back.
I won't let the winter creep in
After you left I forgot how to live
We are one soul split into two
We don't have to be together
To be one
There's no you and I
For me, you are not an idea
You live and breathe inside me
And you may be unaware of this
But your soul has found a home.
A lover used to say if I'll ever know that I'm about to die. I'll run to you.
I lie to my parents all the time because no one wants a sick child
I learnt about life in hospitals.
In those moments when
I held you close to my chest
You were mine and
That will be forever mine
I keep telling myself that I can live without you
And my body keeps refusing to breathe
You were not created for the tender things
He was kind to me and
I forgot that for a moment.
I know everything
But that doesn't stop it from hurting
Just like you know it will break your heart
But You can't help falling in love.
I keep having the same thought again and again
I'm tired
I want to sleep
Take me home.
I, too, loved a man, who thought killing me was better than loving me.
No one can take your love away from you
The world will call you crazy and hold their laughter
You never cared for it before and you won't care for it now.
How can my heart break so many times
It breaks every day.
He thought saying it out loud would kill us
That we loved
So we decided to die silently
We were everything and nothing at the same time.
I'm afraid my longings will outlive me.
I didn't want to die
I wanted to live
But somehow I wasn't able to and
That's why I wanted to die
I was okay being different and not belonging anywhere until I met you.
There's a voice in my head that keeps saying
There's no cure for your madness
All that aches belongs to me
I hope it dies soon with me
Living for the aesthetics because why kill something so beautiful? After all, people should know that hell had a pretty face.
You are me and I'm you
Even if we're not together
But we're never alone
Now I finally know the answer
Quantum entanglement
That's what we are.
They say women like you are on the path of damnation.
Women like me never repent.
We just burn, and we carry our hell with us.
You took my everything with you
My very existence
My right to be
You denied me my own being
By denying my love
Don't let these modern
theories discard you
The artist and the art
are not two different things
My poems are me
And I'm poetry.
Why do I feel like the loneliness I've in me existed even before I was here?
Whoever is writing my story take a break or I swear to god I'm gonna burn that fucking book.
I always believed that being burnt alive was one of the worst ways to die. They burnt witches at the altar. And I was afraid that because of my madness, I'll set myself on fire.
I'm put on this planet to love people and to endure pain.
Why would you keep loving someone who thought killing you was better than loving you? You can't break the spell
Because breaking is not an act of love.
Poetry is something you fail to write.
He knew exactly what would kill me and he did that.
I grieve for my love
Because it has no place to go
I sit with blood on my hands
As I murder it every day.
In a world full of there's plenty of fish in the sea be someone's lobster.
Was it easy?
No, it was the toughest battle I ever fought
Was it familiar?
No, never have I ever felt something so strong
But then I was used to finding myself in new disasters, of soul-crushing events and pain that rips you open never to heal. I was familiar with pain all my life. It has been a lifelong companion.
I hope someday you will get tired of killing me.
This world couldn't kill me
I died for love.
Everything is okay
And all of a sudden
Something stings
And it bites
Like a rodent
On the dead meat
Your absence
Eats me.
When I found out he enjoyed killing me
Dying has become my favorite hobby
You were always present even in your absence.
I don't know how and when you became my god
And just like god you loved watching me in pain.
Love is not worth the pain it causes
Love anyway.
***
Bio: Priya Priyadarshni is a poet, translator, and a PhD research scholar in the Department of English at Banaras Hindu University, Varanasi. In these poems, she has experimented with the stream-of-consciousness technique.
